Trigger Warning: The following poem consists of content entailing eating disorders and their impacts. Reader’s discretion is advised.
“If I recover, will I still be me?”
The rasp in my voice is evident,
As I sit by the sink at midnight.
For no trace of my shame to be seen,
I clean the sink till it’s spotless white.
Numbers inundate my mind & my notes,
Conditioning my soul to starve.
But my folly isn’t forcing the two fingers down my throat,
It’s the regretful satisfaction I’m defined to carve.
Now I’m skipping meals to “discipline” myself,
Because my worth is defined by a digital scale.
“But it’ll all be worth it, it’s just a little while longer”,
Says the part of me I try to curtail.
Some nights I sit beside the same sink,
Wondering if my life will always be this way.
Will it still include my shedding hair?
Or me sleeping 16 hours a day?
But I won’t be lying if I say the compliments are worth it,
While my mirror may still not agree.
Somehow it has stopped being in my control now,
It has slowly started to take over me.
–
Eating disorder recovery is fully possible and feasible. If you find yourself relating to the above poem, please consider seeking professional help.
KIRAN Mental Health Helpline (India) – 1800-599-0019
MoHFW Psychosocial Helpline (India) – 08046110007 (with dedicated line for frontline workers on option 5)
– Tanvi Kamra, Lotus Valley International School, Noida
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