This fall was a harder and deeper one than the others. It had knocked any remaining wind right out of her lungs. She was tired of it, for every time she clambered out, she’d be pushed back in soon. It felt as if she had broken every bone, and she could not stir, for this pit was a trap of darkness made by her own mind, one that she had allowed to consume her once more.
The pain sent her back, back to the first time she had truly fallen, when she was told She was gone, that she’d never feel Her warm adoring gaze upon her ever again, She would never return to say good night; or ever even say goodbye to the girl one final time. The girl was old enough to never forget, but still too young, too lacking of experience in life to cope with it, to understand why, just why, She had been taken from her naïve, now precocious hands.
Many more falls had followed, of continuing disappointment and failure, until she pulled herself back somewhat. She had managed to get farther away each time, but there she went down again.
The next one came in Their form, she had succeeded, and she had reached a considerable distance, and They did something she could not expect, They, who had helped pull her a little way, suddenly picked her up by her arms and threw her right back in without any justification.
Then after, there it was, then came the shattering, of first her mind, with her physical strength following close behind. Constant pains, mental, physical, perhaps even spiritual; and for the first time she felt heartache, not of love, but of rejection and fear. Depression and anxiety needed a prescription to be proved, but she could not ask for help. She had suddenly realized just how easy it was to jump.
And the most recent, and perhaps the one that had broken her altogether, was the fall of her in entirety, when she learnt she could not trust, for her trust had been broken beyond repair, she could not love, for no one had ever given her the right kind of love, and no one was there forever; not really; they would leave, all of them, either by choice, or they would be taken from her, like the others before. She could not lose more, could she? She had already lost so much, they couldn’t do it… not all over again… not when she may never come back from it…
Tears started to fill her eyes as it all came flooding back. It was scary here, and cold, and lonely. She was years older than the first time she had fallen even close to this deep, yet the trepidation remained the same as it always had. The sheer state of her condition was almost laughable.
Through the corner of her eyes she saw the familiar glint of new iron rungs appearing on the only bleak wall she could perceive in her dreary surroundings, the ones she always used to climb up. The climb was perhaps harder than the fall itself, for any given moment, she felt like letting go, like she could never reach the top. The climb had always made her learn so much; much more than the fall itself, unforgettable lessons and unparalleled experiences. She could not climb again. She could not pick herself up, how would she climb the endless rungs? But she knew she could not give up, not yet, for she still felt like she owed something, anything, to those who had never cared.
She propped herself up and painstakingly crawled to the rungs. As she gripped the first one, she could see it again, the tiniest dot of light, so far up that it was barely visible. She started to climb, as she always did, and felt the slightest spark of newfound energy. It had been arduous and fatiguing to merely get up, but she had just enough strength to lift herself up the ladder. Her breathing eased and her pace evened as she climbed, and she could see clearer now. Here she learnt the first lesson of one the longest climbs she would ever execute. With the appearance of each new rung on the ladder, the ones above them always became easier to climb.
[Song Recommendations Post-Read: ILLENIUM, Jon Bellion – Good Things Fall Apart;
Freestylers – Cracks (Ft. Belle Humble) (Flux Pavilion Remix)]
-By Yashasvini Verma, Amity International School, Noida
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