Love’s Sorrow
– Suhanee Raj
I have a recurring nightmare- a fast train leaving me behind. The train, full of all I love and adore. I stand looking as it leaves, leaving me desolate, speeding away from me as I stand and stare, doing nothing to stop it, all my cherished memories now just nostalgia. And just as the train reaches the end, I run. I run to it with all my might, I run to it with all I have. Crying, wailing, begging and pleading for it to stop for me. I see it leave with my childhood. I watch my memories, jumping around in the rain with my friends, running to the canteen, playing hide and seek, my grandfather’s scooter and the lemon candies he kept in his drawer just for us. All my memories, all I have ever loved, leaving me alone and stranded on a lonely dark station. Not a soul in sight. I stop running as I realise I will never catch up to the train, the train which is leaving all too soon. The clouds of melancholy seep into me as the memories of those I have lost forever speed away on the train I loathe. I stand motionless in my white dress, on the isolated brown and blue station. I stay as the darkness consumes me. The train with all my happiness and my sadness gone, all that gave me comfort speeding away from me. Leaving my heart empty and my soul starved.
I have a recurring nightmare- a burning house, a burning room, my house and my burning room. I stand amongst the flames as everything slowly turns to ash. Helpless I stand, as I see my photo frames burn. Photo frames with photos of my loved ones, loved ones I have already forgotten or lost. Ironic isn’t it. Once, they meant the world to me. I hear screams, far enough for me to brush them off but close enough for me to worry. I can’t tell who it is. Is it me? Or someone I care for? Or perhaps a memory of an angry teacher scolding me for being late for class? Something that seemed funny at the time, a story I find myself recalling at multiple occasions, but now even its loss pains my heart. I hear crying, it is loud. It is of a child, perhaps mine when I was young. No words, just crying. Why do I cry? Perhaps it is because of a fight with my sister for the T.V. remote, a fight I haven’t had in ages now that she’s at college. I think all of this as I stand in the middle of the flames motionless, much like a corpse, staring at the fire destroying my very identity. I stand there and I watch, unable to do much, I stand and I watch my loss. Loss of my childhood, when I saved up every coin I could find to buy chocolates. Chocolates which are long cherished and long forgotten, a childhood which is now being replaced by adulthood.
I have a recurring nightmare- water, cold water, freezingly cold water and me, in it, drowning. I look up above the water and I see my firsts flashing in front of me. Memories of my first phone, my first friends, my family, those I knew and loved, those I forgot to love, memories of skipping classes with my friends, playing games on the bus ride from school, memories of all the annual days and how weird school looked shrouded in darkness. The cold dark lake, and at the bottom a light. I feel no obligation to let go of what I see above the water and grow up. Yet I unwillingly drift towards this light. A strange light, a light with the promise of more memories, more experiences and loved ones. It sells me dreams and hefty promises and I falter. I hesitate, I fight it. I see the light and I try to swim away. I try to swim upward, back to the comfort of all I have known. It scares me this light, this light of the future, it makes me leave all I have. I scream, I shout but alas no one can hear me or my drowning screams as I am pulled into the light.
These dreams leave me thinking about those whom I have already forgotten; the girl who I met in 1st grade who I was always annoyed by, one of my closest friends from 5th who shifted to Australia or my childhood best friend who has become a familiar stranger. It leaves me thinking about all those I have already lost. The memories that I can only take with me as nostalgia.
But the truth of the matter is that there is no recurring nightmare, there is no train leaving me behind, there is no fire burning my old life and there isn’t a lake in which I drown. In fact there is no strange light promising me a future, it is me, my thoughts, my evolution and the lingering sadness of losing my haven.
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